Thoughts From the Boston Metro Area

• Whose bright idea was it to build a one lane ramp at the busiest exit on the biggest interstate in Massachusetts?
• The furniture places here are fiercely competitive, not just for my furniture and housewares patronage, but also my movie-going, walking tour, and freakshow money.
  
• Some guy just pulled up in front of my house and declared that we "all need hats." Specifically Red Sox hats. From his trunk. For $3.50. "Eh? Eh?" ... Just keep walking.
• Ikea has the worst warehouse organization in the universe. The brown table tag points to the white table storage area. The white table is not on display, and the box is not labeled as white, so you have no idea that the brown table you want is actually 2 aisles over in a properly labeled box.
• The realization of this fact is exponentially more frustrating when it occurs at your apartment 40 minutes later and 30 miles away.
• Also, the cutesy Euro sounding names stopped being clever in 1998.
• That was the turn back there.
  
• Why does my kitchen floor have what appears to be a chemical stain with white footprints running through it?
• Is this a turning lane? I think this is a turning lane. Do I actually want to turn here?
• I like the subtle feud between municipalities expressed as passive-aggressive and shoddy civil engineering right at the town borders. No one is going to pave that last 3 inches.
• I'm at a jazz club and I am eating breakfast. Weird.
• Where is the Mass Pike? The sign says left, but the road goes right. Am I reading this map right?
• Kendall Square looks like it was built in the future... of 1982.
• Why are Bostonians proud of the fact that they don't have some of the nice things that you can get in New York? A lack of bagels is not a virtue.
• According to the map, you can't get there from here.

Thoughts from the Left Coast

• The fish here on the coast is awesome. Wait a minute, I live on a coast. Why can't I get good fish there?
• A preponderance of antique shops is the surest sign that a town has nothing more to offer the world than its own discarded junk.
• Hey, look, a Starbucks.
  
• The park ranger said the lighthouse and the beach would be good places to stop, but it's fifty degrees, foggy, and everything is closed for the season. That ranger misrepresented the situation. What's his angle I wonder?
• The menu says "pizza" but there's nothing even remotely like pizza listed there. Coconut pesto? I am frightened.
• Where do they keep the really BIG redwoods?
• They toss the term "deli" around pretty lightly here. Apparently if you have some meat in a fridge or just in a box somewhere, you're allowed to put up a sign.
  
• I feel a sense of pride in not stopping at every huge eyesore meant only to get my attention, but a few miles later I wonder - maybe I should have at least considered what the 20 foot anorexic wooden panda had to offer my vacation experience before gunning the gas.
  
• Hey, look, a Starbucks.
• Oriental Cuisine. Oriental. Oriental? Didn't they retire that word in the late 80s?
• The scenic bridge hiking trail does not actually lead to the bridge. It leads away from the bridge. More deception from the national park service.
• I like driving around with Oregon license plates. It's like I'm in stealth mode.
• Hey, look, a Tully's. And a Starbucks.
• Your sign says free wireless Internet, but I have to stand next to the hotel lobby counter to use it. This kind of defeats the purpose of it being wireless.
• Bendy roads are fun. 40 miles of dangerous rocky switchbacks littered with fallen trees and the occassional patch of intentionally-placed road oil are fun only in retrospect.
• I'm not sure what made me think, "hey, why would I need to bring a jacket to the Pacific Northwest?" Thankfully, Seattle has convinced me of the error of this assumption.
• Let's see, gate C12 is this wa- Crap on a cracker, it's a Starbucks!
  

A Reading

From the Book of Snark

I said I was going to stop posting on politics, but I never said anything about religion. I guess I'm skirting the edge with this one.

The always entertaining Jerry Falwell:

Throughout the book of Judges, God calls the Israelites to go to war against the Midianites and Philistines. Why? Because these nations were trying to conquer Israel, and God's people were called to defend themselves.

President Bush declared war in Iraq to defend innocent people. This is a worthy pursuit. In fact, Proverbs 21:15 tells us: "It is joy to the just to do judgment: but destruction shall be to the workers of iniquity."

One of the primary purposes of the church is to stop the spread of evil, even at the cost of human lives. If we do not stop the spread of evil, many innocent lives will be lost and the kingdom of God suffers.

Poor interpretations of scripture are more common than low-interest loans, and anyone selling you either is worthy of some skepticism. Insert the Reverend Falwell into the mix and skepticism becomes just the down payment on a whole portfolio of sarcastic derision.

Jerry here is engaging in the ancient sport of reconciling the "hey, don't kill people" elements of the Bible with the "hey, go kill those people, they suck" elements. The rest of the article explains itself rather well and does not hinge on this one passage. That's good, because it seems like grammatically he got it wrong. The way he presents it, he seems to argue that it is the role of the "just" to pass judgement on the "workers of iniquity." The just shall take joy in this justice, and the iniquitous shall have destruction. That's not how I read it.

"Destruction shall be to the workers of iniquity." Shall be what? Shall be joy. Destruction shall be joy to the workers of iniquity just as justice shall be joy to the just. It's not a call to arms, it's an observation of human nature, perhaps made over some really good lox and bagels down at the corner deli, don't they make it just exactly right there, it's to die for. That crazy Solomon, what a character - always has his eyes open, he does.

A lot of people don't seem to realize that parts of the Bible are extremely funny. Here you have literally thousands of years of human history, recorded and edited by dozens of different authors across many distinct regions and cultures. It has been translated, transcribed and transposed by hundreds of scribes and set into every political and social context imaginable. I'm pretty sure at least one of those revered bookworms told a fart joke at some point. The 20th century didn't invent irony, we just developed a faster delivery system for it.

Proverbs is one of the best, because the entries are so compact, and Solomon himself is quite a cut-up. Some of my favorites:

21:2 Every way of a man is right in his own eyes: but the Lord pondereth the hearts.

21:9 It is better to dwell in the corner of the housetop, than with a brawling woman in a wide house.
Go on, tell me that image isn't funny.

21:19 It is better to dwell in the wilderness, than with a contentious and angry woman.
For a guy with 300 concubines, seems like Sol slept on the couch a lot.

21:22 A wise man scaleth the city of the almighty, and casteth down the strength of the confidence thereof.

21:23 Whoso keepeth his mouth and tongue keepeth his soul from troubles.
Or in the words of Mark Twain, "It is better to keep your mouth closed and let people think you are a fool than to open it and remove all doubt."

And that's all from Chapter 21. Solomon goes on to discuss proper table etiquette in Chapter 23 and dating techniques in 31. His secret? Go dutch. Seriously, verse 14.

Thoughts From the Jury Pool

• The video judge says we're not expected to be lawyers and judges. That's a relief. Giving up a few days of my life is one thing but I don't have time to pass the Bar just to hear about somebody's small claims squabble with the landscaping service.


• Those two jurors look like they know each other. Is there some sort of juror pool scene I'm missing out on?


• My nametag is just a number. So people know I'm an important authorized person, but they don't know my name. I like that.


• That "validate parking" stamp is huge! I feel my parking is extremely justified now.


• They didn't call my name for the first group. I don't know whether to be relieved or upset.


• Why do they only show network daytime on the waiting room TV? I'm all pumped up for some Law and Order reruns on cable.


• There is a stack of air conditioners in the middle of the floor here. Apparently we're also in the maintenance pool.


• The crossword clue says "Thanksgiving side dish", but the only word that fits is "ham." Do some people actually feel the need to eat two whole animals for Thanksgiving?


• Tony Danza has a talk show?


• Some people just came back to the pool because they were excused by the judge. I think they should be able to go home. They just got rejected, have a heart.


• Hey she's cute. I wonder what a good jury pick-up line would be. "Judging you as a peer, I'd give you 10 to life, honey."


• The water cooler is empty. Justice has not been served here today.

Concept lifted unashamedly from the Brunching Shuttlecocks.