Massholes

For the past few months, as I've slowly become acquainted with my new home, one topic that frequently comes up in conversation is the experience of driving in this state. As many of you know, I hail from New Jersey, widely regarded as one of the most difficult places to drive, known for its aggressive commuters, high speeds, and punitive traffic laws. For a long time I've held that these factors were in fact advantages for a skilled and aware driver, as they train one to stay alert, drive defensively, and respond quickly. Further, the frequency of truly dangerous incidents is low enough to make the whole experience educational rather than punishing. Plus, most of the casual annoyances of driving in NJ, I have found, are offset by the frequent acts of courtesy I witnessed just about every day.

Connecticut, now those bastards are crazy. I've come closer to death, dismemberment, or insurance Hell on the roads of Connecticut more times than I care to remember. I had assumed until recently that the gentle Nutmeg State contained the most insane people driving cars on major highways per capita than any state in the nation. And in many ways, my interstate experiences along the New York to New Haven I-95 corridor continue to support this thesis.

But nothing, NOTHING could have prepared me for the nightmare of navigating the streets of the greater Boston metro area. Let's not mince words. The charnel houses of Hell overfloweth, and their rivers of gore seep out into the realm of men to form the pitted arteries of misery that make up the Massachusetts highway system. Each and every outing into this twisted, diseased labyrinth of hate drives me further down the path of madness, and makes me loathe the very clay from whence humanity was molded.

I recognize that bad drivers abound in all corners of the world. There is no geographic locus which draws bad drivers into its sphere of influence, or corrupts the minds of those who would take to its roads. But the sheer number of events, frustrations, near-misses, and heart-bursting moments I have seen on a daily basis just within a 10 mile radius of my apartment is truly mind-boggling.

In an attempt to prove I am not crazy, I have decided to begin chronicling every instance of massholery that I witness or am a victim of for one whole week. Each day I will record every negative event and rate its severity on a scale of 1 to 5:

1. Minor infraction; no action required.
2. Lesser infraction; minor inconvenience or corrective action required
3. Significant infraction; evasive action or noticeable danger to person or property
4. Major infraction; significant danger, evasion, or inconvenience involved
5. Extreme massholery; immediate danger of collision or injury, massive inconvenience, blatant illegality or just totally fucking stupid driver who deserves to be shot

And don't think such offenses are restricted to cars. This is a fruity liberal commie blue state, so there are plenty of people on mopeds, bicycles, skateboards, rollerblades, and dumbass segways out there acting like total jackasses, too. As the bumper sticker says, same road, same rights, same responsibilities.

I will then add all points gathered for the day and divide them by the total number of hours that my car (or the car I am traveling in) has spent not parked in my driveway or similarly safe place.

So, for example, today:

Masshole Report: Wednesday, September 19, 2007

Events

• Fuel truck making a left fails to yield to oncoming traffic. Rating: 3
• Woman waiting to parallel park stops directly alongside car exiting parking space, holding up traffic and preventing said car from leaving the very space she intends to occupy. Rating: 2
• Bicyclist cuts in front of oncoming car and then rides very very slowly for about 50 yards. Rating: 2
• Hatchback misses turn into parking lot, stops, reverses at high speed up active roadway for 30 yards, directly in front of people trying to exit said parking lot. Rating: 3
• Huge-ass Buick found parked inches from my driver's side door, forcing me to enter through passenger side. Rating: 4

Total Outing Time: 1 hour, 15 minutes (1.25)

Masshole Rating for Wednesday, September 19, 2007: 11.2

Over time, I hope to assemble some sort of index to quantitatively establish just how bad it is to drive here. Truly a noble enterprise, I can hear you say, in that admiring tone you take when speaking of me.