SG- Done

I meant to post this back when it was not embarrassingly out of date (my obsessive geek cred is down the drain), but here it is now anyway.

Stargate: SG-1 Speed Synopsis

Thor: Hey humanity, we're dying. You want all our stuff?

SG-1: What?

Asgard: *boom*

*A series of improbable events, in which SG-1 becomes trapped in a plot bubble and isolated from the rest of the cast.*

Sam: We're screwed

Everyone: Crap.

*Time passes in montage form.*

Vala: Do I make you horny?

Daniel: No.

Vala: *cries*

Daniel: Yes. Totally. Let's do it.

*Twenty years pass, during which they either have a lot of fruitless unprotected sex, or replicate a constant supply of contraception options in order to avoid a potentially tricky moral equation involving time distortion and the rights of sentient life at the end of the show.*

Beau Bridges: Sam, don't lose hope. You've been like a daughter to me.

Sam: And you're like the father I never had - the one that didn't become host to a hyper-intelligent space lungfish.

Beau Bridges: *dies*

*Thirty years pass, during which the cast members are shown (via montage) to have chemistry.*

Sam: I figured out a way out, but someone has to stay old while the rest of us regain our youthful good looks and remain viable characters.

Teal'c: I'll do it. I'm like a Vulcan. *pushes reset button*

Everyone: Yay. *exchanges poorly-written half self-aware wrap-up dialogue*

Review: I know they're setting up for the movie, and I know that SciFi canceled them essentially mid story arc. But seriously guys, that was lame. I could see this as a one-shot throwaway episode, but as the SERIES FINALE? WTF? They should have gone out on Wormhole X-Treme!.

Stargate: Atlantis Speed Synopsis

Military Guy: I'm going to do something stupid.

Everybody: No way, dude.

Military Guy: Yes way, and you're going to help. So there.

*They do something stupid.*

Dr. Annoying: We're so doomed, Now I have to start the doom clock. We have 36 hours to live.

Dr. Annoying: Now we have 28 hours.

Dr. Annoying: 16 hours

Dr. Annoying: 4 hours

Dr. Annoying: 10 hours again.

Dr. Annoying: 2 weeks!

Weir: I quit. Samantha can take my place. *boom*

Samantha: Sweet! Employment!

Dr. Annoying: Ok, 1 hour to live again. Sorry, my bad.

Review: Why do they keep Rodney around? He does the job of like 20 different scientists and engineers and he gets half of what he calculates dead wrong in every damn episode. Replace him with a bunch of bored MIT grad students and they'd have the replicators building giant bongs in Kendall Square and terraforming Mars by now.